Andrew and I work. He has a paid career and I’m an at-home wife/mother. Ideally we’d be independently wealthy with no job demands so we could spend all sorts of time together, but for now we’re chained to the daily grind and looking forward to retirement.
Despite the fact that he eats, sleeps, and keeps his stuff at our house, Andrew spends more of the day with his work than he does with his wife. But this is natural for any person with a career, right? His weeks as a teacher and department chair call for working before, during, and after the school day attending meetings, lesson planning, grading, etc. He comes home, plays with the kids, eats dinner, then we kick back and hit the sack to wake up and do it all over again.
Life is busy – that’s it. You wait for things to settle down, but inevitably something comes up again calling for more time or energy (or both) while that universal fantasy of things being predictable and light remains unrealized. And with all this time apart, it’s easy to let marriage take a back seat to the busyness that never goes away.
So what are we supposed to do? Since my husband spends more time at work than he does at home, it’s hard to find ways to convey my love and affection.
Hard, but not impossible.
My dad worked for the Air Force for nearly 40 years: 22 were active duty and the rest were served as a civilian. Both chapters involved plenty of work away from our home base and lots of time on the phone between him and my mom. With their time away from each other, I’m sure it was a challenge to convey love without being present; looking through photos of his career, however, – promotions, office events, his first retirement in ’96 – my mom is a constant among them all. My favorite shots are of her pinning him with various rank decorations or smiling standing with him at some office party. Whenever the opportunity arose, she made a point to appear on his arm as his wife to show support for him in his career; to show that she stood by his work. While he was away on business, her presence translated into holding down the fort with the house, three of us kids, and a pair of mischievous dogs who seemed to plot against her. When my dad was home, she graciously offered our house to host visiting officials and Christmas parties, always the picture of hospitality.
Even though my dad’s career had nothing to do with my mom (except that she’s a U.S. citizen), she invested herself in it out of loving devotion to her husband. Her active presence validated that to which my dad dedicated the whole of his professional life. And like my dad, Andrew thrills in his work and pours himself into it. When it picks up with extra activities, heavier loads of grading, or endless meetings, the best way for me to love him is to follow my mom’s example: to take an interest in what he does and what he loves, help him grade, write encouraging notes to slip into his briefcase, invite him to talk about his day, to be present with him on his arm at football games and graduation; and when he’s away from home, to take care of our house and boys in order to cultivate a happy environment for him to enjoy with us.
Such steady and consistent faithfulness is sure to communicate pride and love for Andrew in a way only I as his wife can express; and he feels encouraged and validated knowing that I’m interested in what he spends his life doing.
Forty more years til retirement 🙂
I can really appreciate this. Thank you. I have a husband that works away for periods of 14 days (then home 14 days), on any given have 3-4 kids to care for, a part time job, a dog, and since Easter…a duck!
40 more years til retirement?! Why does that seem so far off?