It’s almost Valentine’s Day.
Yes, please.
It’s my favorite non-Christmas holiday the whole year; a spark of warmth in winter’s chill; a day when I’m allowed to unleash the mushy, lovey dovey because I’m a woman who loves romance.
But I get why people would be less excited about it. It’s dripping with hype and pressure, and it leaves me wondering if we as a culture even know what passion is anymore. It seems like society is grasping at straws and public opinion has it all. wrong.
Legit romantic passion has been so twisted that the truth behind it seems a stark contrast. We settle in front of rom-coms and when the credits roll, so immersed in the scripted relationship that just unfolded, we think our marriages will never blaze with that kind of fire or effect that cute, carefree love.
Take notes, girls: The truth is that the thrill of genuine romantic passion is within reach.
I think now is the perfect time for a little clarification, time to put words to the sensation of passion, and time to have hope that a marriage of any number of years can overflow with it without succumbing to worldly ideas.
The secular approach to romantic passion is self-seeking, involving another person to achieve a certain kind of pleasure whether it be a physical or emotional. So many think that you have to turn to steamy books and movies to find some sort of rapturous love to inspire your own, when really all that’s there is pleasure for the sake of pleasure. It’s this idea that is so deeply instilled in the culture that real passion is almost unrecognizable, so here it is:
Genuine romantic passion is delighting in another’s being – spiritually and physically.
It’s being captivated by who they are and drawing happiness simply because they exist; it’s loving them to the point of devotion – a readiness to share and serve, and an eager abandonment of self for the good of the other. A love like this has 10 times the passion anything the world will offer, and if you don’t believe me, crack open your Bible to Song of Solomon; it’s within these pages that all-consuming fire and passion can be found.
Why is it that dating and engaged relationships are the ones noted for the thrill and excitement while marriage is known for its ruts and occasional bores? If we’re following the truth of legit romantic passion, shouldn’t it increase as the years pass? Contrary to popular belief, marriage can overflow with romantic passion regardless if you’ve been together five months or five decades, exuding that iconic bliss from the wedding day.
While it’s true that our relationships began with a sweet pursuit, it’s an at times disappointing fact that we run out of breath in the chase. We tire from careers, houses, kids and time, which deplete thoughts and energy for wooing each other. I’ve said it before and it bears repeating: The good news is that dwindled or even lifeless romance doesn’t have to mean dead and gone. It might not seem immediately obvious or even desirable, but the best places to light a spark of passion in marriage are in conversation and small deeds of love and devotion. Go outside of yourself to recognize the needs and desires of your spouse’s heart, then help achieve them.
The act of pursuit isn’t an effortless activity – it takes work of the will and concentration from both sides, and you can’t always drop a hint hoping your tired other half will pick it up. Let it out! Tell him/her what you need. It sounds slightly unromantic – who wants to flat out say, “Surprise me with chocolate”? It’s way more fun if Andrew reads my mind, but it doesn’t work that way most of the time. With lives packed to the full, we both need to spell out our desires and hopes from each other. It takes communication and intimacy to better communication and intimacy.
So wives: take the time to romance your husbands; anticipate his needs to help him carry his duties of career, marriage, and fatherhood. He wants help with the tasks. Recognize the hero in him and tell him what you respect about him. Give him a good meal and pretty yourself up to show him that you want his attention and that he’s worth the effort.
And dear husbands: give your wife the thrill of pursuit. No woman wants to ask for flowers, but we all want them, coupled with knowing that we capture your attention. This yearning is etched on every woman’s heart. We want to know our hearts are important to you.
Show your beloved that they have your time and respect, and your mutual delight will create an umbrella over the rest of your marriage.
So needed to hear this. I found out a friend got engaged and for a split second, I envied her. I had to remind myself that I was being ridiculous, that I love my husband (duh), and there is beauty in the familiarity and comfort of our relationship. It can be so easy to get caught up in (and pine for) the superficial things we don’t have anymore (being asked to see your engagement ring, going out on a first date, having a crush on someone…) but they are far outweighed by the deep and intimate passion and love shared by spouses.
YES!! When we were just married, I remember us both missing “the chase.” And it was so painful knowing it wasn’t part of our relationship anymore! Thank the merciful Lord, however, because I know now that depth of knowledge and understanding of each other + being received in love = passion. I’m so much more in love with Andrew now than I was those years ago.
I cracked up reading your comment: “…I love my husband (duh)…”
Thank you for taking the time to comment, Natalie.
As a newlywed this resonated with me so much. I’m still trying to learn that balance between physical passion and that click, or connection between my soul and my husbands that just pulls us together. This post helped me gain a much deeper understanding. Thank you!
Therese, thank you so much for commenting! and Congratulations on your shiny new Sacrament!! We discovered that fantastic “click” together when we started really praying together on a regular basis. Prior to marriage, my relationship with God was about God and me, but tying the knot brought Andrew in, too. And now we’ve found that the passion in our marriage stems from our spiritual relationship. If we’re not relational with each other’s hearts/souls, it makes any other connection more challenging.