The on-going conversions in my life usually involve some sort of humbling or embarrassing realization. My hindsight does well at 20/20 and I wish my foresight could compare.
This story took place a very long time ago in Katie Years. Pardon any ambiguity – the details are not what makes this conversion important.
Andrew was in professional contact with a very dear friend of mine and through their conversation, feelings were hurt and tensions quickly rose between them. I didn’t know the whole of the situation and quite frankly, I was glad. Whatever disagreement going on between them was between them and to get involved would have been a mess.
My friend and I were long overdue for one of our routine traditional brunch dates and upon greeting her, our very initial conversation was about the disagreement. “Do you know what he said to me?” I sat in our cold booth listening to accusations fly and reports of what Andrew said spill all over the table. By the end of her account, my jaw was on the floor and I was speechless. Andrew insensitive? Andrew so mean spirited? I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
But I did.
In shock, I tried to cover up for my husband’s purported responses to her. “He’s been really tired lately. I’m so sorry you got the brunt of it.” “You know, work has been hectic and stressful – he’s had loads of deadlines. It was probably just the fatigue talking.” On and on, trying to compensate for the harsh rudeness exacted on my sweet friend.
After breakfast, a few more cups of coffee, and one final apology, I drove home to our little apartment fuming that Andrew would speak to my friend the way he did. What was he thinking? No matter what disagreement, there was no need to behave that way and he should definitely apologize.
When I arrived home and he asked how brunch was, I didn’t hesitate. “You know you really hurt her feelings.”
“What? How?”
Ohhh man. Needless to say, the reports I heard were exaggerated. Sorely exaggerated because of a terrible misunderstanding. And at once I was filled with shame at how quickly I had abandoned my husband to boldly stand by someone who was not only mistaken but, well, wasn’t my spouse.
One of the infinite privileges and blessings of having a spouse is knowing with certainty that he or she will stand by you in all circumstances; right or wrong, rain or shine, I want Andrew to be there for me and with me as an unwavering support and as someone who will be the first to try to understand. I want him to stand by me when I’m far out of earshot or miles away. Where was I to do that for him? Gone – wrapped up in shock and pity for someone who misunderstood. Truth be told, it doesn’t matter who was right or wrong in the situation, or who said what to whom. The point is that as Andrew’s wife, I should be the first to come to his defense and to doubt any accusation against his character.
I’ve witnessed and heard of marriages that are riddled with this sort of abandonment to a much worse degree, as well as bitterness and of frequent complaints against one’s spouse. It’s sad how a person can gradually let themselves lose the glow of being in love and allow it to turn to disgust toward their vocation – the person they’ve vowed to spend their whole lives loving and serving. People change, of course, and some for the worse; but to stand by someone and to love them is a choice and should be founded on decided action. Andrew and I each have plenty of flaws to go around, but we try to focus on the positive characteristics in each other to keep the fire burning. At the end of the day, after any storm or hot air has blown, he and I should each be standing firm as oaks for the other.
BRAVO!!!! Love this post!
love the Tammy Wynette touch! Made me smile…
I completely understand what you mean when you say we should stand by our spouse, but I do think it is also important to gently point out when our spouse does make a mistake. An example that comes to my mind is when my husband and I went to the grocery store together a couple years ago and he had not been having a very good day, but he came with me to get out of the house. He asked the woman checking us out if she could put the raw meat in a bag by itself. The woman asked why he wanted the meat bagged separately and I could tell this annoyed him, but he said because he didn’t want anything cross contaminated. She continued with another comment that wasn’t the most polite but also wasn’t that rude either, so my husband just said, “could you just put it in a bag by itself.” She did and we paid and walked out to the car. My husband mentioned on the way to the car that she was being rude and I said that I felt he wasn’t being very kind either. He immediately looked at me and said, “you really think I was being rude?” I said, “yes.” My husband said he wanted to apologize to her. After going into the store to apologize, I asked him how it turned out. He said that he went in, saw her and told her how sorry he was for being rude, the woman immediately hugged him and told him thank you, that it really meant a lot to her. The rest of his day was so much better. So, anyway I just wanted to say I do think there is a lot of beauty and value in realizing when you are wrong or when our spouse is wrong and taking the steps to make things right.
This was spot on!! Love it!