This quotation by W. Nigg was said of St. Elizabeth of Hungary, the lady who moves me to constantly return to the idea of simply loving. Loving God, loving Andrew, loving the boys, loving loving loving. Use love as a measuring stick against what you’re thinking and doing and suddenly it’s basic and clear, revealing that God asks simplicity of us.
What I just soak in from this line is the mission-statement quality to it: Marriage is supposed to be affectionate, we should give it all we’ve got, and show each other love in every common conversation and day-to-day encounter. It’s intentional – it’s supposed to be done ON PURPOSE. A marriage not lived deliberately will slip through the fingers of time and one day we’ll look back and wonder where the bitterness crept in or how we became tired of each other or where the romance went. Have you ever met someone who has sadly experienced this? They’ve got that mournful tone recalling how they used to be so in love or “we used to have so much fun.” And of course those marriages can be rejuvenated, but the point is that we don’t have to reach that point ever if we are constantly cultivating charity in marriage.
What do we reveal to our husbands? Sweetness or bitterness? Mercy or impatience? Do we act as conduits of God’s love or do we stand in the way of it? Most know St. Elizabeth by her famed love for the poor, but I first knew her by her deep affection for her husband, King Louis IV; and it was her story and her active devotion to him that shot a burst of enthusiasm for what married life could be in my newly-engaged heart all those years ago. I want so much to emulate Elizabeth in being a sweet, charming wife for Andrew. She dressed in her best and brightest when her husband was home and prayed for the grace to withstand her love for him, which she offered with reckless abandon. Did you catch that?? She loved Louis so much that she felt like she couldn’t handle it. It gives me pause even now – do I hold anything back in loving Andrew? Am I really giving this marriage and family every last drop of effort and love I have? I feel like I don’t even have to ask the question to know the answer – there are so many times that I cling to my own will and when things {great or small} don’t go my way, it’s easy to get frustrated, angry, or resentful. What that reveals to Andrew is his wife is maaaybe a little selfish and can’t let go of what she wants when she wants it. What I’d rather him see is a woman who holds the peace of Christ within herself, outside of the whirlwind of domestic chaos.
A deliberate marriage is a pillar of strength. There is romance and spontaneity, sensitivity and eager support for and from each other. It’s here that husband and wife are safe from the world because their sacrament is founded on and nurtured by the love of God. Living love on purpose sounds glorious, doesn’t it?
But all this intentional stuff is hard. It’s hard when my nearly-2-year-old is screaming at full lung capacity because his big brother swiped his favorite train and ran away laughing…all. day. long. It’s hard when Andrew and I aren’t happy and peaceful at the same time, often trying to pick each other up from feeling defeated. It’s hard when we miscommunicate and then miscommunicate about miscommunicating. It’s hard because through all the muck, we have to still regard the sensitivity and needs of our spouses ahead of our own – trusting that they’ll make good on the promise to take care of us; which is why love has to be so deliberate, so on purpose and intentional.
Nigg’s insight into St. Elizabeth’s married life isn’t just some nice, flowery thought tossed out with the rest of the Live, Laugh, Love signs; it’s an ideal possible of achieving and a compulsion to give God every bit of ourselves through holding nothing back in marriage. And in doing so, we reveal to our spouses the sweetness of the love of God and tenderness of his mercy.
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Very well said! It is hard to feel love, and express love, all the time. Especially with young children around, screaming and needing your attention constantly.
I’ve been married now 32 years to the same man and I can honestly say I still adore and love him. I know I don’t always do my best at showing him that, but after all this time I know he knows it! And I thank God for sending him to me all the time.
We need God, the Blessed Mother, and all the angels and saints to help us through our daily lives. We need to teach these things to our children and keep the faith! Thank you for your words of wisdom.
God Bless you and your family
M M B
Amen. May the guidance of the Holy Spirit fill every woman and every man with the understanding of unconditional love in Christ Jesus.
AMEN! Well said.
As my husband and I waited on the elevator, there was an elderly couple arguing about what floor number to push. He kept saying one number and she kept trying to explain that was the building number not the doctor’s office number. He continued to insist and would not let her push a button. Finally she shushed him and pressed a button. He looked at us with a bit of frustration and said that they had been married 65 years and that the first 60 had been easy. She had a bit of a smile on her face as he then smiled too. They were funny, and I was very happy for them that they still had each other.
That is too cute 🙂 I pray Andrew and I can get old and wrinkly together, but marriage for 65 years put us at 87 and 90 years old – hopefully we’ll last that long!!
Oh, Katie! Quick, trademark those phrases! You just wrote the title and thesis for your book: “A Deliberate Marriage: Living Love on Purpose” by Katie Sciba. And THANK YOU for the reminder. I forever bless the memory of the fine Christian professor I had at the local Community College who said one day, (in a discussion of “Romeo and Juliet”) “Love is NOT an emotion. Love is a condition of the Will. It is a conscious choice and action one makes a thousand times a day, every day, to put the well-being of others before oneself.” A light bulb flickered. I had never heard anything so profound so clearly stated. And we live in a world that is consumed with how we FEEL about _______. A necessary message.
Oh my goodness I LOVE this! and yes, I don’t know about you, but when I learned that love “isn’t an emotion,” I was slightly bummed because I got an inkling that marriage would be HARD. I was just 14 or so, but slightly nervous about it.
I couldn’t agree with you more – the world pushes feelings all the time and ignores what’s objectively right. Feelings are great, and a gift from God, but so is reason!
Thanks so much for your comment and encouragement 🙂 You’re so sweet.
Soooo good! I love this. 🙂 Nice work, Chica.