by Erin Franco, writer at Humble Handmaid
I am married to my best friend. But he is a special kind of best friend. Michael isn’t one of my girl friends–he’s my husband. I need to remember that more often.
The Bible tells husbands that they are called to give themselves up for their wives as Christ gave himself up for his Bride, the Church. What a challenge and responsibility for husbands! Christ led his bride to his Father. He made his bride holy. He fed and clothed and healed and washed the feet of his Bride. And he gave his life for his Bride.
“Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” – John 15:13
I know Michael would die for me without a second thought. In this sense, he is truly my best and most faithful friend. Also, none of my friends make me laugh as much as he does.
But Michael will never relate to me, empathize with me, and maybe even understand me in some ways, like my closest girl friends do. I can’t expect him to think, act or speak to me like my girl friends. He just doesn’t work that way. In fact, a lot of husbands just don’t work that way. In the end, it’s not fair to Michael for me to become bitter because I think he is supposed to somehow learn how to think, act, and speak to me like my girlfriends.
Decades of a few well-intentioned but terribly harmful tenets of feminism have trained our culture to think that men are the ones who need to figure women out. I wish I could pin all the blame on Michael when I don’t feel a strong connection of understanding and oneness with him on some topic or situation. I wish I could be rightfully upset because he doesn’t say things the way I want (and think I need) to hear them all the time. Not that he and probably every other husband on earth couldn’t work on better communication in their marriage. As us wives probably could.
I have got to put in a plug here for the wonderful, wonderful Love & Respect series. Wow, did Michael and I figure out some things about how we communicate differently as a man and a woman, and how we can communicate better!
One thing about my very best girl friends is that I know they can see my heart and understand my intentions. Not so in marriage, at least not all the time. Not that I don’t try my heart out to communicate and understand. Not that Michael doesn’t try his heart out to communicate and understand. It’s just that life and human relationships are so complicated. And it’s just that–even five years into our marriage–Michael and I still have so much to learn about each other.
I think that we wives truly desire our husbands see our hearts. To see how hard we are trying to be good to them. And how much we just want them to be good to us. To see how much we have to give, and how much we do give. To see how much we love them and want to build and maintain a happy life together.
We need to learn how to look for their hearts, too, though. To see how hard they are truly trying to be good to us. And how much they just want us to be good to them.
To see how much they have to give, and how much they do give to us and the family, sometimes just in their own way. To see how much they love us and want to build and maintain a happy life together.
We want the same things. I think women just talk about it more. And write long rambling blog posts about it more. And talk to their girl friends about it more. 🙂
Sometimes we forget that our marriages aren’t going to the dogs if we don’t feel a connection with our husbands about everything. Maybe it’s just that deciding what is most important, and working as a couple to agree and move forward on those things, is where we should put in the most effort. The virtue of patience is so important, as well. God touches our hearts in His timing–coupled with the cooperation of our souls to his grace.
So there you have a few sweet musings on marriage from a still-newlywed. I’m glad I will have this post to look back on in thirty years to laugh at myself. I hope my future self will realize that I was really trying, though, to do this marriage thing well. That I did the best I possibly could to be a good wife and a woman of God in this moment and in this season of my personal and spiritual maturity.
Now for your entertainment, one of my favorite videos explaining the Differences Between Men and Women. Get ready to laugh. Hard.
You are a wise newlywed, Erin. 😉 Love it. Every time I think, “We’ve been together 15 years! Why haven’t you figured this out yet?” I remember that he’s probably thinking, “We’ve been together 15 years! Why haven’t you realized that I am not going to get this without you explaining it to me?” The joys of learning about each other keep our relationship young. 🙂
It’s so true: you DO have to keep getting to know about your spouse all the time. Boy do I have a lot to learn too. There are times when we just ‘get’ each other without even talking, and with that there is such a peace and a security…and then there are times when I want to blurt out, “WHO ARE YOU?!” 🙂
As I always say…I’ll never be bored married to Michael Franco!
I really enjoyed the post Erin. Keep up the great work.
When I was a teenager, my father told me, “Young man, I’ve been married to your mother for nearly twenty years, and I’m just now figuring her out.” By the time he passed away at age 86, he still hadn’t finished.
We keep saying that women are hard for men to figure out. Usually it’s up to the man to understand the woman. We hear more of that than we do the other way around. That said, I would suggest that women are not that hard to figure out at all, once you stop assuming they are anything like men. The same goes for women.
Women are more intuitive than men. Most would agree with that. But I think most women have a harder time accepting that men are LESS intuitive than women. You would think that would follow, but in real life, between men and women, it rarely does. Except for those married a long time, the man only knows what the woman tells him. He won’t see the hidden signs coming that her girlfriends would consider so obvious. It’s like Richard Burton sang in Camelot: “How to handle a woman, there’s a way, said a wise old man … Merely love her…love her…love her.”
Ah David, Camelot is one of my favorites! and I think you’re so right on all accounts. My husband and I realize that there can be few hints or implications in our speech or behavior – if you have something on your mind, then say it! And truly, as the song goes, all either Andrew or I want is to be loved as we are.
Maybe I should have read this whole thing backwards. My wife and I are the reverse of most couples. Most people would say I am sort of a “guy’s guy” type. (I love chainsaws and shooting, sports, fixing stuff and fighting, etc. All the stereotypical “guy stuff”) But, I am also the talker, the empathetic one, the “sensitive” one. I am the first to comfort the kid who got a boo boo, but then, also, after 61 seconds say, “Crying time is over. Go play, Kiddo!”)
But my wife is the opposite. She doesn’t talk, and I am supposed to figure out what she wants/needs. Thanks be to God, she doesn’t seem to need or want much except dressing on the side! I am the one who needs things to be “just so”. In a way, I am the stand in for her where a “girlfriend” would be, but am also her husband in a very, very traditional kind of way. (I know that most men are not like this.)
All this just goes to show that it really is up to BOTH parties to die to each other – no matter the personality traits. I need to ask less and do more for her. She needs to make an effort to express herself more, and respond intelligently when I say something.
It may be possible to interpret Ephesians 5 to really be both sides of the same coin. The woman is call to “be submissive” and the husband to “love as Christ loves His Church” but, guess what? Really those are the same things. If I am to love my wife I am to be submissive to her as well, because I have already offered up my will to hers as Jesus did to His Father in the Garden of Gethsemane.
Furthermore, when my wife submits to me in all things (if only HA! 🙂 she is really loving me willing by offering her life (desires, etc.) in favor of mine – just as Christ did.
Love is sacrifice; dying to oneself no matter how you look at it. Both need to seek constantly to the needs of the other.
Great Article. Really well said. I sent this to my sister who is having some marital issues. Of course, whether we are having marital issues or not, we all need to realize the differences and try to work with those differences while keeping God at the center of our lives.