I’m relatively new to parenting, but despite the green tint to my view, it’s clear that if I’m going to be any good at it, I need to learn what makes my kids tick. What do they like doing? What goes on in their little heads? Most importantly, how can I tell them I love them so that they get it?
Sure there’s the straightforward “I love you,” which is sentimental and sweet, but it doesn’t quite register with small children the way it does with adults. This sort of obstacle isn’t unique to little ones either; the reception of love varies from person to person regardless of age or maturity – e.g. saying “I love you,” might convey affection to a 10-year-old, but not a teenager who needs it expressed differently. Love has to be demonstrated in addition to being verbalized; so in an effort to discern how to tell our kids we love them, I researched The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, marriage and family life expert.
Everyone communicates and receives love with different approaches, which Chapman divided into five categories: Words of affirmation give encouragement like saying, “I’m proud of you,” or “You did it!” You can spot the kids who need affirmation because when they get it, they light up and are so proud of themselves. Acts of service offer support through anticipating a person’s needs – like fixing a broken bike or making breakfast when the morning is rushed. Gift giving is fun, especially for kids, because it lets them know you were thinking about them and conveys a special sense of closeness. My mom used to surprise me with stuffed animals and a quality one-on-one chat if I was sick or just feeling blue all the way through college and I loved it. Quality time is an investment of self into your kids; it’s undivided attention that lets your kids know that they’re a priority over the time-suckers in life (work, computers, etc.). And physical touch communicates affection as a unique and exclusive aspect to any close relationship. Hugs, kisses, or a simple pat on the back tell your kids that you’re ready to support them.
Understanding the love languages offers insight into my relationship with my kids and my relationship with my own parents. As their now grown-up child, it’s good for me to recognize what their methods of expressing love are. When it comes to parenting, my dad’s primary love language is acts of service. I didn’t realize it until somewhat recently, but now it’s one of my favorite things about him. It came out especially when I was in high school and college when I’d go outside to find my pickup was squeaky clean with a full tank – ready for the road. My mom’s love language toward us kids is gift giving and quality time. When I’m blessed with the chance to visit home, she’s always game for ice cream and a drive around town, which is a sure way to have fun with her. Now it translates to her determinedly visiting her children who are far away and checking in with a phone call. Looking back on my whole life, I see so clearly now that my parents told me they loved me through their caring attention, which is the reason I felt more secure and confident in our relationship. In high school when so many of my peers fought with their parents, I felt very close and open with mine, occasionally turning down a date to stay home to watch a movie on a Saturday night. I’m sure our closeness is and was due to their obvious care for me.
No matter if we’re on the receiving or expressing end of love, understanding the 5 Love Languages in terms of parenting can transform our entire family life. Through exploring each language and our kids’ personalities, my husband and I figure out exactly how to love them in ways each one best receives. And what are the results?? For us, it’s happier children and a connection 100 times better than before. More than that, however, our Christian faith is strengthened as a family unit. In learning how to love our kids, we imitate God the Father whose perfect love abounds in the lives of all his children. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19); and opening our eyes to this helps us see the love languages were written by his hand.
my brother Bill, me, my sister Jen, and my wonderful parents at our family reunion last summer | photo by Sarah Schinstock
